A reader by the name of Scott sent me this message, and I wanted to share it with the rest of the dogma debate readers. My response to him follows...
I'd like to hear your opinion on something being that you're further
down the trail than I am. Today, I'm proud and happy to say that I'm an
atheist even though I don't broadcast it without first having a reason
to announce it. But, I grew up in a mildly warm Lutheran home and did
the whole baptism, confirmation, communion, take my heart, tell others,
and play in the worship band at college thing. Like you, in my
twenty's I started deviating from the plan and began to question my
upbringing, educate myself, and get into conversations with people
outside the bubble. It all proved to be beneficial to me. I feel free
and happy with no sense of guilt, remorse, or nervousness toward
afterlife.
But I am still "grumpy" about the theft of 21 years of my life. I know
I'm not the only person to wish growing up had been different and I had
a good childhood so I'm not complaining about that ... I just wish I had
some inspiration earlier in my life to correct my theological position.
Granted, being a good little Christian boy probably kept me out of some
situations that a 16 or 17 year old non-believer wouldn't have been in
so in hindsight I am largely OK with it, yet I harbor these intense
feelings towards nobody particular and no organization in particular
that I grew up and promoted myself the way I did.
I want to move past this. I want to have peace with the situation and
only look to the future. Have you had conversations with other people
who are still pissed from the teachings inculcated into their brains as
children and want to know how to gain "closure" to the situation like a
bad ex-girlfriend and keep skipping down the trail? Any advice you can
provide would be more than welcome. Kudos to you and your work.
Scott
----
Scott,
I completely understand where you're coming from. I've been there. At times, it's hard not to have a chip on your shoulder about the times you've been mislead, lied to, and forced to be in fear. I get it.
First of all, let's all take a deep breath and realize that now, you're finally in your happy place. So congratulations on the realization that is atheism. Seriously—what a huge load off, right?
Secondly, we have to ask ourselves the true intent of the people that taught us these horrible things. You know them. They may be gullible. They may be blind followers. They may be afraid to question authority. They may choose to ignore science. But are they bad people? Do you honestly believe they intentionally lead you down a path of deceit to pull the wool over your eyes?... or were they blinded as well?
I'm no longer angry at the people that taught me about religion. Why? Because they were taught to teach me. In fact, they were indoctrinated—and even brainwashed to teach me. If I thought for one second they knew better, I would have a different opinion. But they didn't and still don't. I don't believe they have malice in their hearts or actions.
I truly think they wanted the best for me, and that's how they thought I would find it.
Looking back on it, we're just two of the lucky few that got out alive. So being mad at them now, is like being angry at other victims of a fire for not pulling you out. They're still suffering through it as we speak. They have their own demons... pun intended. If they knew how to get out, they'd help themselves, too, just like we did.
They simply don't know any better.
I understand, a lot of what religion brings is horrible. The fear, the stonings, the rape, the racism, and suppression, so don't think for a moment that I'm letting these people off easy. I'm not. But anger towards individual family members won't resolve the world's belief in fantasy. We have to fight that on a different front.
So my advice to you would be to let it go and love them as the part of humanity they are. Just don't let it happen to you. If you have children, start them off right—scientifically, logically, and challenging authority in a respectful way. Personally, with my daughter, we pretend the tooth-fairy is there, and have pretend talks about Santa Claus around other kids... but she knows it's pretend. I sneak into her room to put money under her pillow, and the next morning she wakes up, laughs, and says "thanks for the money, Dad."
Funny enough, it's the same reason my little girl is the only 6 year old I know of that isn't afraid of the dark, or monsters, or ghosts. We put them in the same category with demons, gods, and tooth-fairies, and she laughs at them.
Don't hold a grudge, Scott. Just move forward making this place better than you found it, and change the way people think about atheists.
Thanks for writing.
3 comments:
I was a church-going Christian through high school and a little beyond, but stopped going to church while in college and stopped believing in god over the course of the next few years. I don't think I fully considered myself an atheist until I finally lost that last vestige of "what if I'm wrong and go to hell?" fear.
I guess I don't have much of the grumpiness toward my religiosity that Scott describes. I think the difference is that the way I was raised, we were people who bought into Christianity because it was reasonable and wise and stood for the right things, and as a bonus, it was probably true, too. I was always just a little uncomfortable with the whole thing because of the nagging contradictions with science and history and because of the barbarism in the Bible, but on the whole it was just smarter to buy into the belief system, just to be safe and to take your stand on the side of morality. So, I look back feeling embarrassed about having lived in fear of the afterlife, and for being an apologist for a common-sense-defying ancient belief system, but I don't necessarily blame that on anything so much as my own immaturity.
That's why, whenever I read accounts like Scott's, where people describe feeling a nagging sense of having been misled or lied to or indoctrinated, it always worries me. Such feelings seem to be frighteningly common, and I wonder what it says about how other people were raised and are being raised today. It's scary to think how seriously people are taking it and what they're telling their kids.
Scott,
NOT TO WORRY. In the words of the awesome It Get's Better project, it gets better. Time will heal your wounds.
I was in your EXACT same situation well over 30 years ago. I came out of my lukewarm Christianity with a vengeance by simply reading the entire Bible, learning about archeology, geology, astronomy and history. Then to top it off, I read other religious texts and references to them. It all came down to a thorough understanding that I had been totally brainwashed due to the time and place I grew up.
Well, that's all in the past. At first, I celebrated my awakening while feeling angry about the years I had been brainwashed. But over time, it got better. In this particular case, time will indeed heal your anger.
Yes, you were misled. Yes, you were lied to by your closest family members. There's nothing you can do about it. For the most part, those older than you must have a violent confrontation with reality (eg, a near-death accident, etc) before they will even attempt to re-evaluate their foundational beliefs. Most of the time tho, they simply double-down in their beliefs (witness the survivors of Katrina and their doubling-down in their belief that THEY were saved by Jesus). That's all irrelevant. YOU walked away from belief and now you are free.
So, I suggest that to help you navigate around your anger, focus on the fact that you are now FREE of the mental and emotional bondage that others still cling to. Focus on the fact that as you age, you will become even more enlightened and even more free of the last vestiges of irrational belief.
Lastly, any time you can motivate others or contribute to them walking away from debilitating belief, you are, in a way, chipping away at those years when you were held back. Time and contributing to others will make you thoroughly happy.
i love this
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